Excerpts & Chapter Quotes

Chapter 1: The Glowing Bush

Whenever you encounter stress or temptation ask yourself: What is the best use of my attention right now?

“Do not worry my little child,” I distinctly heard in a loud, deep, but gentle voice. “You will be great some day. You will be famous. You will help a large number of people.” As I stood before the spirea bush that bleak, gray November day when I was seven years old, praying for the first time ever in my life with my eyes tightly closed, “Dear Father God, what must I do to make Mother love me?” I heard my answer, and when I opened my eyes, my entire body heaved in one huge convulsion, and at that moment, the bush, stripped of its leaves for winter, burst aglow in shimmering tiny white blossoms of spring...

Chapter 2: My Firsts and “I Know Stuff”

Emotional experiences elicited by external events – depression resulting from genuine loss or fear resulting from genuine threat – have information value. Emotional experiences – primary symptoms of bipolar disorder – have no information value.

I could hardly wait for my tenth birthday. I felt something magical about finally moving into double digits in age because that meant I was that much closer to adulthood. I hated being a kid because it seems as though I was always being controlled by Mother. I couldn’t wait to grow up and leave home so I could make my own rules. I thought that maybe once I became an adult, the tears, silent desperation, and sense of never fitting in would subside. Little did I know what lay in store for me once that day came and I would be self-sufficient.

It seemed as though my entire focus in life was on trying to be good ...

Chapter 3: Teachers’ Pet

A professional boxer will hire sparring partners to improve his skills of responding to difficult and painful situations. Primary symptom episodes can be your sparing partners.

Of course, my emotionality became the laughing stock of the school when one day, during typing class, as I sat in the row directly beneath the windows, a severe electrical storm occurred. With the first FLASH-CRACK of the very close lightning, I screamed and ran from the room to the girls’ lavatory, shaking and crying, which the other students found amazingly hysterical and laughable. After that incident, for days I felt engulfed by much more than the dark thunderclouds of the rain storm because somehow I knew that my reaction was unacceptable, yet there was no way I could contain it. ...

Chapter 4: Dismissed During Darkness

While you may not think so you are playing it well. Winston Churchill wrote a book about Britain in 1940 and called it Their Finest Hour. When I was young I thought it was a stupid title, because at that time Britain was losing the war. How could getting blitzed be their finest hour? Now as an adult I understand. Even though things were not going well for them, they played well and eventually won. It is at these times when you have to rise to the occasion. I know it is no fun, but you can only be heroic when you are up against it.

By a strange stroke of genius, I completed my mid-term exams and embarked upon spring break carrying a 4.0 grade point average for the first half of my second semester as a freshman. While home during the break, I contemplated suicide and wrote more dark poetry. I stayed in my room almost the entire time in the realization that this awful, foreboding, black mood was lasting longer than it ever had and was growing deeper with each passing day. ...

Chapter 5: Dazzle Them with Brilliance

One of the problems of bipolar is the polarization of self image: “I am the greatest person who ever lived or I am the worst person who ever lived.” The primary problem is that these over reactions mask the truth. Don’t get sidetracked by taking the “I’m worthless, it’s hopeless” beliefs seriously.

I don’t remember that first visit with Dr. Callahan other than feeling an immense sense of relief that I was suddenly in a situation whereby I could pour out all of the confusion, fear, and frustration, and not be afraid of consequences. He invited me to attend his Saturday morning group therapy session and I remember sharing some of Mother’s behavior with the group and one gentleman said to me, “Did you ever belt her one?” ...

A few weeks later, in the fall on a lonely Saturday, I again became deeply despondent. I could not effectively tolerate the rampant panic that continued to attack my body, and I took three Stelazine. After a while, I took about three or four more. And then the effect of the overdose engulfed me. My entire body went into a severe, terrifying spasm as my neck and back arched and seized up and I could neither sit nor lie down as the spasms intensified. I called my doctor who was at a football game and the answering service paged him. He returned my call and told me to immediately call an ambulance. They took me to the emergency room where I was promptly given a shot of Benadryl and they pumped my stomach. I must say, the grotesque unpleasantness of that experience made me vow to never “botch it” again and that if I ever decided to overdose, I would make certain that I took enough to do myself in. ...

Chapter 6: Keep the Beat

The task is not to try to figure them out – the causes of a particular emotional experience [primary symptom], but to navigate your way through it.

On August 4, 1972, we attended my first Neil Diamond concert at Pine Knob open-air theater having seats in the fourteenth row along with a couple of friends of ours from group therapy, Patti and Bob Eisenberg. At the end of the show, when Neil performed “I Am, I said” followed by “Holly Holy,” I became consumed by a sense of “spirit” and was so touched, I fell to my knees sobbing and weeping uncontrollably. I had never before been so intensely moved by any musical performance and I felt a sense of connection with Neil Diamond that engulfed and mystified my entire being. ...

Chapter 7: The Crippled Crab and the Merry Widow

We create subjective realities which then influence objective reality, which in turn influence subjective reality – sometimes in an amplifying spiral. Your amplifier is probably more sensitive [the bipolar biology]. A good goal would be for you to learn to influence the amplification process.

The following day, he was not feeling too well as he had begun to run a slight fever. By mid-week, he was so weak, he could hardly talk to me, but when his parents came into the room, he was able to muster the strength to speak in his normal, robust tone. When I arrived at his home on Friday, April 21, a week after Good Friday, he could barely pick his head up. I sat there with him until almost midnight and told him I would be over the following day to watch the Detroit Tigers’ baseball game with him. He took my left hand in his right hand and I said, “I hope you feel better.” He replied, “I feel better now,” and suddenly, I experienced a jolt in my entire body as he laid his head down, facing toward the wall away from me and breathed his last breath. ...

Chapter 8: The Bird Has Left the Cage

The goal of our work is for you to develop the capability to use your own resources, to influence your state of mind, your mood so that you can to remain strong, vital and calm even when exposed to environmental stressors or primary symptoms.

I set in motion the boldest plan of my life between Christmas 1979 and New Year’s Day 1980. In my mind, Neil Diamond had sent for me and would have a plane waiting for me at Detroit Metropolitan Airport on New Year’s Day for my departure to Los Angeles. I had much preparation to indulge in such as paying my rent for three months ahead of time, paying all of my other bills for three months, selling my wrecked car to my ex-husband, Wesley, and getting three hundred fifty dollars worth of traveler’s checks from the bank. I considered these actions, which completely depleted my savings account, to be those of someone who is fiscally responsible, and I “knew” that after three months, the whole world would be supporting Neil and me because we would be the Messiah and our marriage would bring about the ultimate peace the world has been waiting for since the Crucifixion of Jesus Christ. Everyone would bow down to us and all of the resources of the world spent in wars would be diverted to making Neil and me happy for the gift that we would give.

Chapter 9: Return through the Stratosphere

Self doubt has held you back before, and may hold you back now. Don't let it! Don't worry about whether or not you are good enough: Focus on performing the task at hand.

“Who am I? I have nothing. Nothing but the clothes on my back and an FM radio-cassette player. Where have I been? Who have I been? I am nothing. What’s going to happen to me now?” These thoughts churned over and over in my mind as I sat on the couch in the comfort of Aunt Janet and Uncle Leo’s home in the realization that from April 1979 through April 1980, I had totally departed from the boundaries of natural reality and gone off far away into the outer limits of the universe somewhere, maybe even to another galaxy. In fact, I felt as though I had “visited” some other universe way far off in space and time. The Talking Heads had sung a song that went something like, “…Moving into the universe, and she was; she isn’t sure ‘bout what she’s done, and she was; she was not touching the ground, and she was; she had a present elevation, and she was; she’s movin’ out in all directions, and she was; in the world as a missing person, and she was.” ...

Chapter 10: Globe Magazine’s “Find-a-Friend”

Stay the path of greatest advantage. Develop your skill at surfing the waves of the primary symptoms of bipolar disorder.

Although I had just gotten out of the hospital from another manic episode, for some reason, I was in much better shape than I was from the one in 1979—1980 when I’d been in LA County General Hospital and returned to Michigan. I think this was mostly because this second episode was of much shorter duration, that is, I wasn’t “out there” for nearly as long; and because I didn’t lose anything. I still had my job, thanks to Aunt Janet and Uncle Leo who talked to Gerry Temple, my employer and let him know that I would be okay once I resumed taking the lithium; I still had money in the bank; I still had my apartment even though the landlord was a bit annoyed with me for writing in lipstick all over the walls and ceiling of the stairwell. I was able to go back to work and continue performing at my previous level of enthusiasm and expertise because I was so grateful that I had not lost my career opportunity.

While remaining slightly manic, however, my mind was on a slightly different level than when totally stable. “Hmmmmmm,” I thought. “What do I need to do to break the boredom of this lonely existence of night after night in this tiny apartment? Danny’s been gone for over two years, and somehow, I do believe that God will provide me with a ‘replacement’ due to my devotion to Danny within three years after his death. How do I do this? Ah, yes, ‘it pays to advertise’! I’m working for an advertising agency … advertise … look in the personals ads … place an ad and see what happens”! So I began answering personals ads from the local paper. ...

Chapter 11: Widowhood and Word Art

Just like driving a car, it is useful to know how to operate the vehicle - how to steer, speed up or slow down.

For five days, I would go to the hospital in the mornings before work and stay a couple of hours with him to let him know I was there for him, but then I would go on to work. For five mornings, I cried and Dr. Tokaz held me and comforted me telling me that he would merely keep Ken comfortable in honor of our Living Will. On Good Friday, April 14, 1995, I went up to see him and he could no longer talk. I took him Big Jake’s bandana “necktie” and put it in his hand and told him, “Ken, you are free to go. You don’t have to stay around for me and the puppies; we will do okay; we have Harold to help us with stuff; I have a good job; you can go and be with Big Jake and your daddy and mom,” and I read him the Twenty-third Psalm and other Scripture from Isaiah. He smiled as I read to him, and held my hand. My body went numb as I recalled April 21, 1979 when another man, Danny Smith, had held my hand and died. But I remained brave and strong and went home. ...

I began choreographing a little spirit-filled ritualistic dance to the “Jonathon Livingston Seagull” medley from Neil’s “Love at the Greek” CD and I had Ken’s and my mutual friend, Robert C. Brooks (nicknamed “Troll”) do a video recording of it which I sent to Gallin-Morey and Associates, Neil’s agent. I believed that if I danced and danced and prayed and prayed, I could make Mother’s cancer go away; I believed that I would be responsible for healing her. So I danced until all hours of the night every single night.

I developed a complex website in which I was “proving” beyond a shadow of a doubt that Neil and I belonged together … that we were, truly, a match made in heaven. And that I was not only Neil’s “Messiah,” but also the savior of the world. Everything I did centered on the power of the Resurrection and I believed that I represented the balance of power of the whole universe and that I could do no wrong because I was going to right all of the wrongs of humanity from Adam and Eve all the way up to the current time. ...

Chapter 12: Surprise Healing

All experience is transient. Whatever up or down you are now experiencing won’t last very long.

I was so relieved to be able to seek refuge with Dr. William J. Dubin finally, at last, where I could talk about the storms in my head and attempt to unravel them. I went out on the internet to Dr. Dubin’s Web site: http://www.psycharts.com and found out about his background ...

[As I traveled to my appointments with Dr. Dubin, I had discovered the "Delilah" radio show ...] ...

On the other end of the line was a young lady’s voice saying, “Hi, I’m Jenna from the Delilah Radio Show, and we’re going to host Neil Diamond on a show later this month for the Christmas season. We were wondering if you’d be willing to share with Delilah over the air the story that you wrote on her Web site about Neil Diamond helping you out during a difficult time in your life.” ...

DELILAH: And, has life gotten better?
HOLLY: Very much so. Very much so. I have a lovely home; I have a lovely job; I am really working at finding happiness, and it’s – I’m basically a very happy person.
DELILAH: So, do you think that had you not popped that tape in at that time; had you not heard that song, things might have turned out differently?
HOLLY: I probably would have taken the pills.
DELILAH: That wouldn’t have been a good thing.
HOLLY: No.
NEIL: That would have been a terrible thing, Holly. Hello? ...

Chapter 13: Extra Sensory Perception

I don’t want you to suffer, and it is frustrating to me that you suffer more than I think is necessary, and yet I have not been able to communicate the path to less suffering to you. I’ll keep trying different ways, and you keep telling me the truth, and we will get there one day.

In one of our sessions, in fact, we were doing hypnotherapy for relaxation in an attempt to relieve the mixed state I was in, and I “saw” an earthquake twice. Right in front of my face, I saw a stretch of dry, cracked earth, and suddenly it split wide apart and separated, shifting into a huge chasm. This “vision” happened twice as I was going into the trance state. That night, just as I left Dr. Dubin’s office, a large, 6.9 magnitude earthquake occurred sixty miles from the coast of Crescent City, California. I felt vindicated that the reality is, I do “see” these things which cause emotional turmoil because I’m not in a position to do anything to help others who may be in the wake of danger.

Another time, while manic, I actually could see the rings of Saturn with my naked eye. Bipolar individuals possess a keen level of perception that can be either extremely exciting or alarmingly distressing. ...

The result of these perceptions is what is known as hyperthymia or excessive emotion that is unrelated to one’s objective reality. However, when these emotional states try to take over and permeate our being, we try to equate them to something in our immediate external environment to make sense of them because one of the primary causes of depression is confusion or a sense of being overwhelmed by perceptions which we do not understand. And these cognitions, while they are not based on tangible, objective reality that we can glean from our five senses, are just as real to the bipolar brain as is the direct conscious awareness of our external reality. I call these cognitions “super-perception,” or “extra-sensory perception” because something “extra” is coming in to our brains that causes sensory reactions which the mind attempts to process but cannot tangibly grasp. ...

Chapter 14: Wildnerness of Mirrors

Intentionally suspend the impulse to evaluate and judge what you are experiencing.

While little is known about how medications for bipolar disorder work in controlling the brain’s biochemistry, it is generally agreed that for most patients, one or more medications can be greatly beneficial. The important thing to remember is to achieve a positive outcome, not whether or not one is taking medications. There is no shame in taking medication; there is no shame in having this condition, no more so than if one is diabetic or has multiple sclerosis or migraine headaches. Bipolar disorder is a recognized medical disability in the degree to which it can be difficult to control and requires a vigilant sense of monitoring on the parts of the patients and the doctors. ...

Chapter 15: “5—4—3—2—1—0!”

Meta-cognitive awareness is the understanding that thoughts, feelings, and sensations come and go. See if you can simply notice them without becoming attached to them.

Hypnotherapy, or as Dr. Dubin calls “intentional trance formation,” can be highly beneficial in managing the intensity of the bipolar brain surges which intensify the low self-esteem issues that tend to accompany bipolar disorder. Everything we do involves a “trance” of one form or another because “trance” is another term for keen focus of awareness. For example, when we get in our cars to drive to work in the morning, we may be thinking of what we need to do once we arrive at our destination. However, our minds are in the “trance” of driving because we’ve done it so much, we do not have to consciously think about the mental functions involved in navigating the car to our work place. Thus, we tend to have a sense of peace about our driving because it is a trance state. Some would call this "tranced out."

Other forms of trance are a focus on being angry; or being so involved in one's work that nothing else going on around them is of any particular importance ("flow" activity). Trance can be defined as a state of profound abstraction or absorption and can be used to divert one's mental and physiological states from those of being negative, confused, agitated or stressed to a resourceful state of being calm and relaxed with the mind free to accept positive and helpful, or affirming ideas and suggestions. ...

“And so the mind can be at peace … just at peace … relaxed … calm … and so comfortable. And the body feels the body when the body feels the chair … and this dreamy, quiet, calm feeling extends throughout you, and you can feel the chair pressing up against your body as the body relaxes more … and more deeply … down … into the chair. And as I count backward from five, down to one, you can drift down … into the trance. … Drifting deeper with each count.

“Five … so serene … eyes resting comfortably; back and pelvic area so relaxed … drifting deeper with each count. Four … more and more deeply down into the trance, enjoying the thoughts and the sensations drifting through you. Three … well along your journey down into this comfortable and peaceful state. Learning that the body and the mind … can relax and permit your energies to renew themselves. Two … so deeply … muscles of the face beginning to smooth, enjoying the comfort of drifting … ever deeper … down … One … drifting deeper and deeper … deeper than you’ve EVER gone before. So good to settle down … into this comfortable and peaceful state. Zero ... DEEP SLEEP ..." ...

I have had great success with two such [anchoring] images. One is anchoring to a lighter held in my left hand with the suggestions being “Lighten up; I can be a light to those around me; my load is lightened; I can achieve enlightenment; I can learn to not take myself or the expectations of me so seriously; I can see things as wants and not needs; I don’t NEED to get everything done in record time; I want to please my customers; if I have a lighter heart, I can have a lighter mind and bring lightness to those around me …” and so forth. ...

Chapter 16: Acting My Way to Good Thinking

We can take the perspective of viewing thoughts as thoughts - events in the field of awareness, independent of their content and their emotional charge, without trying to change them or "fix" anything, but rather observe them with a degree of equanimity.

While anchoring techniques remain as the most powerful therapeutic tool in the management of bipolar mood swings, I have developed a number of other useful strategies that are simply effective life guidelines for anyone. However, they are essential when one is bipolar. The first is to adopt “The Golden Rule” in my interactions with others. If we treat others in the way we wish to be treated, and we reach out to others, we can create an external reality that can serve us well during times of duress. I go out of my way to be kind to and considerate of others, to compliment people in a way that is uplifting. ...

So what do we do when we feel completely hopeless and like one more minute of life is not worth living? What do we do when the emotional pain is so intense that cutting on ourselves almost seems pleasurable because it diverts the pain from our total being to something more localized and specific? ...

So I called my friends and received much love and support; I received back what I try to give at all times in my life and that is love, kindness, forgiveness, compassion and nurturing. It is my hope that anyone who is in a suicidal frame of mind will stop and realize that when in that state of mind, if we cannot dissipate the thoughts by focusing on something positive, then the very best thing to do during those times is … ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

At such times, sleep can be extremely healing as can long, slow, deep breathing. Also, it is critical to allow our emotions to flow. Let the tears come because they cannot hurt us and they are healing and cleansing. Because others can be intolerant of our emotionality, I try to excuse myself when I know that strong emotions are present and either go outside or to the ladies’ room and let them come with their full intensity until they have run their course.

I’ve often found that these strong emotions are just as Dr. Dubin has said. They are like sounds that come and go; they never last interminably and if we are not afraid of them, since they are a part of ourselves and we do not need to be afraid of who or what we are, we can embrace them and let them ebb and wane just as sounds come and go, being careful not to take any actions based on our emotions or feelings. Our actions need to be a result of our thinking and what we choose to do or focus on. We can be held accountable for our actions; we cannot be held accountable for strong feelings that result from our brain biochemistry and resulting perceptions. And there is no shame in having intense emotions or confusing negative thoughts which come and go like sounds. ...

I like to think of this ride as that of a sine wave in electronics whereby when an audio signal is introduced to an oscilloscope, which measures the sound frequencies, I’ve noticed that for every peak there is a valley that is equal to and opposite the peak. This is like a law of physics which states, “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.” Therefore I know that I will never stay way far down or way far up for extremely long periods of time. The key is to regulate the ups and downs to prevent them from being so steep, high or deep. I have coined a phrase that I’ve found rings true every single time I begin to slip into what one might call a funk: "If you weather the downs and storms with dignity and grace, the next up will bear a surprise and a blessing beyond your wildest dreams.” That’s not to say that we’ll go zooming back up to a manic state; what it means is that the good that we do toward others even though we may not be feeling too good about ourselves always comes back as a form of rewards for faith and sowing positive seeds.

This is what Dr. Dubin calls “Stay the path of greatest advantage.” It may sound trite to say, but it does take two mountains to make a valley so if we can choose to focus on the energy of the upswings, that choice puts a momentum in place that’s almost like “banking” the good times. ...