Read the Introduction
I’m not a famous actress like Patty Duke (Anna Marie in They Call Me Anna) or Carrie Fisher (in The Best Awful); or a gifted psychiatrist like Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison (in An Unquiet Mind); or a flamboyant, young, energetic journalist like Lizzie Simon (in Detour: My Bipolar Road Trip in 4-D); or a notorious newswoman like Jane Pauley (in Skywriting: A Life Out of the Blue). I’m simply a Web developer for the state of Texas, in my 50s, and have been diagnosed as bipolar since 1980. However, I have known secretly of my condition since I was seven years old.
I’ve actually dealt with the bipolar condition all of my life. I say “dealt with” and “condition” rather than “suffered from” and “disorder” because the former presents a sense of being in control; whereas, the latter conveys the image of a helpless victim. Actually, the brilliant psychologist and therapist whom I see, Dr. William J. Dubin of Austin, Texas, prefers to call it the “bipolar trait.” His belief is that being bipolar merely means “a different organization of the mind having its advantages and disadvantages.” Again, the emphasis is on self-control of one’s thought processes and on insightful encouragement rather than on illness or disease.
With that being said, I shall refer to this condition throughout these pages interchangeably as the bipolar characteristic (BPC), bipolar disorder (BPD, not to be confused with Borderline Personality Disorder), the bipolar trait or the bipolar experience. In years past, it was referred to as manic depression which is how Dr. Kay Redfeild Jamison (psychologist and staff member at Johns Hopkins University, author of An Unquiet Mind) prefers to reference it because that terminology more adequately depicts the polarity of the condition. It is a disorder in the degree to which ones’ relationship with oneself is disruptive; it is a characteristic when one is able to dispassionately experience it, knowing that there are tremendously positive elements that few people are able to achieve.
There have been thousands of books written about this disorder that affects one percent of the population, or about two million people. Much research has been done, yet actually very little progress has been made in determining its exact causes and in finding solutions. There is no real cure; the condition is generally life-long and chronic. Many believe it gets worse as one grows older. There is no iron-clad medical test thatcan be performed to determine whether or not one has bipolar disorder. The diagnosis is generally based on demonstrated symptoms, all of which can be readily revealed by reading the materials resulting from a “Google” search on the Internet.
Numerous studies have been performed in an attempt to locate a genetic predisposition to BPD. However, in many cases, one identical twin will have it where the other does not. Environmental factors such as one’s upbringing, experiences in school, and interpersonal relationships greatly influence the manifestation of this condition.
Other experiments have been performed that involve brain mapping, and it was revealed that bipolar persons appear to have small pools of water in their brains (An Unquiet Mind by Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison).
It is widely accepted that a significant contributing factor revolves around three neurotransmitter activities in the brain. These are serotonin, acetylcholine and dopamine. Additionally, levels of the hormones cortisol and adrenaline play a key role in the anxiety component of the condition. From my own experiences, it is my belief that the whole disruptive nature of the bipolar existence is based upon energy imbalance. Either the serotonin-neurotransmitter process is intensified to a biochemical excess, which creates the manic, scattered energy; or it is impeded to an abnormal level which creates the depressive, “half-of-my-mind-is-dead” disillusionment.
This energy imbalance seems to manifest itself in what I experience as a “rightand-left-brain” conflict. Our left brains tend to be our logical, meticulous, organized, responsible centers; whereas, our right brains facilitate creativity, spontaneity, and playfulness. I experience depression when it appears as though my creative right brain has not received enough expression, or when the serotonin activity has decreased such that it seems as though I couldn’t be creative no matter how hard I try. Conversely, I experience mania when it seems as though my right brain, under the influence of excessive serotonin release rates, takes over in wildly imaginative creativity and activity which can become delusional and psychotic.
Another significant aspect of life as a bipolar individual is that of hyperthymia, meaning too much emotion, or moods that are too intense. It appears that good things are experienced as intensely energizing boosts to one’s morale, beyond what the situation calls for; and likewise, disappointments are registered as major letdowns often rendering a sense of futility, despair and utter hopelessness.
Perhaps this journal will provide insights for others who may be struggling to come to grips with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder — manic-depression. I will unabashedly and unequivocally state that Jimi Hendrix was absolutely correct when he sang, “Manic-depression’s a frustrating mess.” As one who has dealt with this frustration, and who has spent thousands of dollars in therapy trying to untangle the mess, it is my intent that this expose might provide others, both professionals trying to get a better handle on it for treating their patients, as well as those dealing with the condition, be they newcomers to the diagnosis or old hands at it, with fresh insights and rays of hope.
The first several chapters of this book are about growing up bipolar and will take the reader upon a series of chronological vignettes that will develop insights into the roots of the bipolar existence as I have experienced it. It is not meant to be an allinclusive, narrative autobiography but rather, a summary of pertinent events and scenarios that will enlighten the reader somewhat as to the nature of the bipolar roller coaster, and will exemplify certain key components leading up to the eventual diagnosis of “296.44 Bipolar I Disorder, Most Recent Episode Manic, Severe With Psychotic Features.” One of the goals of this book is to elucidate for mothers the nature of bipolar children in an effort to assist them in recognizing the possible condition.
The remaining few chapters will explore the methods of dealing with the bipolar condition from a cognitive approach as gleaned from intensive psychotherapy and hypnotherapy with a gifted, insightful, compassionate, and brilliant psychotherapist, as well as considering the medication aspect. It will also provide assistive insights to those interacting with bipolar individuals. I consider myself an expert on the subject simply because I have made it my goal for my entire life to understand it and to view it as a gift from which I can offer understanding to others, rather than to view it as a cross to bear.
